Do you want me to send that up too? So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Stockbroker: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second …. A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away. After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside? Mum: What crying man? Ice Cream! A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress. I guess you want the money because you are losing.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. The market is weird. I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
Does he have any money? The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to a lawyer. An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit. My sister fell in love at second sight. When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles club where he checked out the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty was astounding it took his breath away. Were you a bull or a bear? A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life. His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed. A student asked a professor of economics: — What is the difference between socialism and capitalism? The professor answered: — Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans The Student: — And socialism?
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. How can this be? John handed in a blank sheet of paper. A woman returns to her car after shopping and is furious to find the side of her car is smashed in. On the windshield is a note. The cost of living is so high now.
The professor answered — Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans The Student: — And socialism? Einstein Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. He has an IQ of ! His IQ is ! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater! Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. A young girl and her father are looking at a nursery full of newborn babies.
All of them are crying. Girl: Are they hungry? If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions. Interviewer: What is recession? Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the doorframe of his office.
Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. After a quick tour he reckoned that someone was standing near the secretary, doing nothing. Take it, leave now, and never come back! He is just the pizza delivery boy…. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. Never mind. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. I went to the bank and went over my savings. A retired man visited a doctor to seek medical advice for what he suspects as new and very unusual health problems. Do you think I will collapse any time soon?
You must be from Wall Street! Races Soros and a Bernanke went to the races. Bernanke was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. Soros whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince Bernanke.
Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: I told you, I knew the secret! I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine. Any suggestions? One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. How do I go about it? A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. Love, Dad. The economy is the only field in which two people can get the Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing. There are two things you are better off not watching in the making: sausages and econometric estimates.
Edward Leamer. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. Economist One day an economist died and was accidentally sent to hell. As we all know, all dogs and economists go to heaven, but in this instance old saint Peter was off his game and our economist joined all the rapists, murderers and forex traders in the underworld. So he implements a plan. Within a few months the economy in hell is booming.
He has the budget in surplus which enables the devil to spend on infrastructure, and investment funds start to flow in, increasing capital expenditures throughout the entire hellish economy. After a year or two God looks down and notices that the standard of living in hell has increased to the point that most of his angels are booking their summer vacations there.
Satan explains that they have employed the services of an economist to fix their economy. God is not happy. Where are you gonna get your hands on a lawyer? A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. You wrap it up, and you give it to her.
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up. I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before. A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money! He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.
Economy — purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied The second answered The third New Zealander mumbled A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
What were you selling? A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. What did I tell you? Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account. The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
I forgot to lock the safe! A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.
The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student. A new manager spends a week at his new Broker office with the manager he is replacing. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious market problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. He counts his money at the counter and says to the clerk C : J: Wait a minute.
When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. C: Fluctuations. The Japanese man stiffens. J: Well! Fluck you Americans, too! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!
The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft. Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet. A: Start off with a large one. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back. Come back and tell me what you learn from that. We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university! Are you nuts? Management student kisses a girl. Girl: Whats this? Girl slaps the boy Boy: What is this? Advisory Service — an advisor who lost a considerable amount of money and started new business.
Average Down — what you have to do if you opened a long position and had to go to the bathroom. Average Up — what you have to do if you opened a short position and had to go to the bathroom. Bottom — when you have an open long position the spot where you give up averaging down and sell; when you have an open short position the spot where the book recommends you to open a short position.
Broker — someone who studied hard and has a license to legally lose your money for a minute additional fee. Cheap Stock — a stock the price of which will decline as soon as you decide not to open a short position on it. Coyote Syndrome — when you feel an irresistible impulse to bite your own arm off so as not to click the mouse again.
Double Up — a phrase you employ to explain your open position after you accidentally bought more instead of selling what you had. Excellent Company — any stock you know nothing about on which you carry out a profitable deal. Excellent Long Term Investment — Position Trading that went the wrong way right after you opened a position. Expensive Stock — a stock the price of which will rise as soon as you decide not to open a long position. Fundamental Analysis — the process of checking if you can open a short position on a stock.
Gap Up — a stock that has a higher opening price than a closing one was the day before, and will go down if you buy it, but will continue to go up if you sell it. Genius — what you are in the eyes of an Apprentice if Lady Luck favours you 3 times in a row.
Halt stock — an open position impending really good news or really bad news, but anyway, the scariest thing possible to happen. Highlight — selling into the rally while a dude on TV provides the complex reasons why the stock is special. Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait. It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets. In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool.
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool. Q: Why did God create stock analysts? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. God made the world in seven days out of chaos. The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night.
I woke up every hour and cried. Why has astrology been invented? So that economy could be an accurate science. Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets. In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool. Q: Why did God create stock analysts? A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. God made the world in seven days out of chaos. The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
Why has astrology been invented? So that economy could be an accurate science. Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Stockbroker: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second … Author Recent Posts. A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller.
You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. Well, I just happened to have one for dollars he says. I don't work on Sunday. Is tomorrow OK? He says, "sorry, bad news. I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead. City fellers know a few tricks. Statement by the Press Secretary. Q: Is anything faster than electronic banking to move funds?
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? Register Now Sign In Cancel. Add Comments Comment and share this joke on Facebook or Twitter characters remaining. Post Cancel. Sign-in or Register to Save Address Lists. Clear all. Send Cancel.
The best jokes and joke writers! Browse Writers Writer Information.